Contemplating Mortality

A few years ago my orchestra and duet buddy, Tanner Holst, passed away unexpectedly. I had never experienced death so closely before. This was someone I saw every day. We spent hours together playing duets in practice rooms and even had a small performance in master class. We sat next to each other in orchestra as I was principal clarinet and he was principal bassoon. I even had a small crush on him (which was ridiculous since he was still a teenager and I was in my mid twenties). 

His passing nearly killed me. 

I couldn't imagine life...music...without him. He was the one that made me want to be more. With his death began the slow death of my love of clarinet. 

I still cry if I think too much about it. 

However, when he passed, my feelings of sorrow were very much based on seeing a life shortened suddenly and how unfair it was to see someone so amazing not get to be alive anymore. 

Then my grandmother passed away. 

Her death was more expected. She had suffered from Alzheimer's and we knew the end was coming long before it made its final round. 

I was not as close to my grandmother as I should have been, but I loved her and I definitely miss her. I knew she had lived a good life and despite it ending sooner than we would have liked, her life was worth something. 

Her death began my questioning on the lifelong belief that families are eternal and that I will see her again. This was the beginning of the war on my faith that I am still fighting (and very much losing at this moment) to this day.

Then my former Bishop and husband to my childhood piano teacher passed away a few months later. He had also lived a good life. He lost a battle with cancer sadly, but he was still a good person to his last days as far as I know. 

He was such an example to me and such an important person in my formative years in high school. It was so very sad to see him leave mortality, but it seemed right that he left when he did. 

After these deaths my life was changed drastically. Each death brought a new trial and lesson to be learned. 

But, until now, I have never truly contemplated mortality and what it really means to die. 

Despite any religious beliefs...whether or not you believe in life after death...whether or not there is a spirit that continues on after the mortal body has rotted and decomposed...

Once you die, you are dead. 

I know, this is highly philosophical here. (Sarcasm)

Let me explain more. 

My dad is in his last few weeks of life here on this planet. Soon he will cease to exist as a living human being. Soon he will be a rotting corpse 6 feet in the ground. 

For me, my dad stopped being my dad a long time ago. We have not had a great relationship. Pride and selfishness dug a wedge between us while I was still in high school and despite efforts to move past it, I still have a lot of hard feelings towards him. I don't feel love and compassion when I think of my father. While others feel pity and sadness for him, I feel hurt, bitterness and anger. 

With his mental state now it's too late to attempt to mend the relationship. He didn't even comprehend who I was when I was there for Thanksgiving last week. 

To him I was 'The Piano Player.'

Despite our broken relationship and the fact that it will be a relief when he passes (he is suffering as well as my mother who has had to endure his many issues throughout life)...I am still brought to a dead silence when I ponder the fact that he will no longer exist in this life. 

His passing means freedom on so many levels. He will not be in pain anymore. He will not have to suffer from another seizure. He will not have to depend on anyone else to help him eat, drink, or go to the bathroom. He will be free. 

To my mom it means freedom from being a caretaker. She will be free to live her life again, before it was consumed with basically babysitting my father every day. 

To my brother it means freedom from his own demons in his relationship with our father. 

To me it means freedom to leave this state (as I am not a fan of flying and did not want to have to fly out for his funeral, which we knew would be soon. Not this soon, but soon nevertheless). It means freedom from feeling anxiety every time I visit my hometown. It means freedom from not feeling trusted (however I lost his trust is beyond me, but it's the honest truth; my father does not trust me). It means freedom from so many things. 

Yet, it also means I failed to be a good person. It means I was unable to mend our broken relationship. It means I was too selfish and too proud to move past the hurt and anger I feel. It means I failed. 

We BOTH failed.  

When I look back on my father's life I think of the word tragedy. 

If his life were a Shakespeare play, it would have been a tragedy. 

All he ever knew was pain and sadness. 

I rarely remember him being happy. I don't know that he ever was really happy. Most of his conversations either consisted of childhood stories when not so good things happened (unless they involved his friend Patrick), or they were complaints of things at work or church. 

Or he talked about the books he was reading or the movie he had recently watched. 

When I reflect on the life my father lived I do not see a person that rose above the muck. I see a person that barely managed to keep his head above water...or rather, the mud...because it wasn't clear and beautiful as water is. 

I see a sad, depressed, tragic life. 

So, when I contemplate his no longer existing, I wonder what was his purpose. Why was he allowed to live his life? Why was he my father? Why did his life crumble underneath him when it was already struggling to stay together? 

Why? 

What is the purpose in all of this? 

I suppose having faith in this situation is a  necessity, but I don't have much faith. 

My religion believes in eternal families. 

No one in my family is qualified to be together eternally. I don't know that I want to be with my father forever. The relationship is THAT bad. 

So, what's the point in believing in eternal families? I may get to see them again once we all pass, but the bonds made in the temple sealing have been broken. 

So, again, I ask...what was the point of his life? 

What will happen to his soul once he is freed from his poor, sad, pathetic mortal body? What will happen to those of us left behind?

Will there ever be healing in this broken family? 

In only a few weeks he will be dead. 

He will cease to exist. 

What the hell?!?!?!?

Blog Challenge Days 13-23

I really dropped the bomb on this challenge. Life got really crazy after my last post and I have not even had time to remember this blog. Sadly.

So, without further ado, here are the days I have missed.

13-Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship

The last person I texted was Becky Smaellie.
Becky is one of those people that I know was meant to be in my life. I'm not sure of the actual first meeting. I knew about her long before I really met her. She lived in the same apartment complex as me and we were in the same ward in church. I believe we met at an activity. I'm not positive about that though. We were paired up as visiting teaching companions (if you are not familiar with visiting teachers, it's a pairing up of 2 women that go and visit other women in the ward in the spirit of fellowship and friendship). Our companionship was broken up shortly afterwards, but she ended up as my visiting teacher. The interesting part about this relationship is that her mother and my mother are best friends. My mom is diabetic and Becky's mom is her nutritionist/mentor. I should also mention that Becky's mom was also my aunt's mission companion in Samoa a LONG time ago. The way that Becky's mom and my mom got to meet and then the way Becky and I met is just an amazing story in my mind. We don't see each other very often (especially now that I live in Salt Lake and she's still up in Ogden), but we have a long-standing tradition of getting Italian ice together. Today I was in Ogden and we were able to meet up for a walk. We played in the leaves and it was wonderful! :)

14-Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful

This past Sunday I came home from church feeling extremely down and frustrated. There is a guy I find attractive there that I had had a chance to talk with (in a group setting) and I realized he was not giving off any kind of vibes that he was interested and all of my insecurities came rushing at me like an avalanche. Anyways...I came home and sat at the piano for a little bit and played through some of my favorite Debussy pieces. By the time I was done playing I was so at peace with myself. All of my insecurities and frustrations had melted away. That was the closest thing to bliss I think I've felt in a long time. 

15-Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?

I know it would be easier to do this if I chose that someone to be a guy I liked. However, the most closure I need in my life right now is with my father. I have no idea how a conversation with him would go. Well...I take that back, I know EXACTLY how it would go, and maybe that's the reason I haven't had it yet.
This conversation would be between me and my father. I feel like I need to give some insight into my narration before I create it.
My father and I do not have a good relationship. When I was in high school I was very judgmental and when things didn't go the way I thought they should, I rubbed people the wrong way. My dad started drinking coffee (which is against our church standards/beliefs) to relieve his headaches. I did look down on him for this and he knew it. He still thinks I hate him to this day. I have done my best to move on and be a better person, but I don't think he has ever truly forgiven me for that. Whenever we are in the same room it takes a great deal of patience for me not to snap at him or be short with him. Our personalities clash and I've struggled for a long time with this. His conversations tend to be about things I don't care about, so that adds to the clashes. Then, if that isn't enough, he doesn't trust me for some reason. I distinctly remember one time when he asked me a question about a simple opinion on something. He ended up asking my brother the same thing. My brother gave the same response, but it wasn't until my brother responded that my dad did anything about it. It was something simple and not even important (I obviously don't even remember what it was), but my dad did not trust me. If you ask my brother, he will agree that my dad does not trust me. It boggles my mind. I have never done anything to cause him to not trust me. My brother has...so many times. But, my dad does not value me or my opinion as much as my brother('s). Last summer my father had a stroke. I lived close to the hospital, so before and after my night classes I would go visit him in the hospital. Apparently he had no recollection of that. He knew my brother had visited, but not me.

So, needless to say, I have a lot of healing that needs to happen when it comes to my relationship with my father. He has had a second stroke since last summer and his communication abilities have been significantly impaired. From what my mom says, it's not likely that I'll ever be able to have a civil conversation with him.

This narration is going to be the way I know he would respond.

Me: Dad, do you honestly believe and know that I don't hate you?
Dad (already crying): You don't? (I can literally hear his whiny, childish voice)
Me: I don't. There have been many times in my life where I have resented you and the way you've treated me. I still feel a lot of anger and resentment as well as hurt. However, I am trying my hardest to move past that. I have been trying for years, but I feel you have not completely forgiven me for being a stupid, selfish teenager more than 10 years ago. I feel like you have not allowed me to become the adult that I am trying to become. I am not perfect, but I am trying.
I know we don't get along very well. That is merely a personality problem. I do not actually hate you. As I said before, I still feel a lot of resentment and anger, and hurt, but I do not hate you.

Dad (bawling now): I'm so sorry!!!
Me: (frustrated that I am dealing with a child in an adult body): ....

I wish I could've had a normal father, but I ended up with an emotionally and physically handicapped male figure in my life instead. It would be nice to get some closure on this situation. My father is on his way out of this life. He is in a hospital bed being taken care of by hospice workers. We don't know how much more time he has, but it can't be much (maybe a year).

As I wrote this, I realized I am not ready to let go of the hurt and anger I feel still. I want closure on this relationship so badly, but I am not ready to let go yet. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go and move on. The injuries are so deep. Too deep.

16-If you planted a time capsule right now of your life to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?

A copy of a season of Big Bang Theory, Castle, and Grey's Anatomy.
My Train cd collection
A stuffed animal
A Reese's Fast Break candy bar
A letter to myself
Some pictures of me and my friends
One of my shirts

I guess that's about it

17-What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?

My spiritual beliefs are something I'm very unsure of right now. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I hold myself to the standards and beliefs of that church. However, I have struggled with my faith for a few years now. I want to believe that God is real and that he is there. I want to believe that someone loved me enough to die for me and that because of his death I can be made clean from my sins. I want to believe that someday I will see my loved ones again (after we have all passed on). I love the beauty of the temples in my religion. If I ever find 'The One' I want to be married to him in a manner that would keep us together throughout eternity, which means I want to be sealed to him in the temple. I believe that being a daughter of an all-powerful and all-loving father in heaven means I have certain standards to live up to. That being said, I hold the men in my life to the same standards I hold myself to. My religion places an extremely large value on families. Being single, especially at my age, in my religion is very difficult. It adds more pressure to get married. However, my standards that I hold myself to due to my religion have definitely limited my relationship possibilities. I don't date just anyone. I want to date someone with the same standards. I want to date someone with the same goals. I could go on and on about this topic, but I won't.

18-If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?

Don't be so chicken! You are not as fat as you think you are! Care more about the way you treat yourself and the way you look! Be more active! Don't be so scared to be you! And, for the love of anything, practice more and learn to study!

19-What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?

My blog name would probably be the biggest one. 

20-Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it

I've never really been in a real relationship, so I haven't ever really had a real breakup. However, my 'relationship' with Danny would be the closest thing. Our 'breakup' would've been when I told him that I couldn't 'do this' with him anymore and that he should move on. It wasn't difficult at the time as I was done with it before it began...whatever 'it' really was. But, the more time that passed after that, the harder it got. From that experience I learned to not be as judgmental and to be more open to not having the perfect life I imagined for myself (because, let's face it, who has actually had the perfect life they dreamed of?). I learned that the most important thing in a relationship is love and respect. I knew that he cared for me (I believe he loved me) and that he would've done anything for me. He was my best friend and I took it for granted. I learned to not take things for granted and to appreciate what I have more.

21-How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?

My mind is drawing a complete blank on this one, and I'm too tired to figure this out right now. If I feel inspired to come back and change this, I will.

22-What fictional character in a movie, tv show, or book do you identify with and why?

I probably identify the most with Phoebe on Friends. She's ridiculously quirky and marches to the beat of her own drum. She's a massage therapist, and well, she's the weird one. Everyone loves her, but it takes time to come to know the true version of her to overcome the quirks and oddities of her personality.  

23-Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!)

I get annoyed with any friend of mine that whines about their children, their husbands, or any aspect of being married. I would give anything to be married and to be a mom. When I hear anyone whine and complain any of those things, it makes me so sad and angry.

Blog Challenge Day 12

Hey! I didn't forget to blog today (although, it is past midnight...oops!)

Your proudest accomplishment

This is a tough one.

There is a moment I should be most proud of...playing a solo in a concert on the stage at Carnegie Hall...but that's really not my proudest moment. It was awesome and so amazing and every musician's dream. But, it wasn't my dream (which kills me to say, as I'm sure so many other musicians in my group would have done anything to be heard for 2 lines of music in that most brilliant of concert halls).

My proudest accomplishment, however grand though, has a lot of negative feelings attached to it, so I tend to not think of it as a moment of pride. But, I do take pride in it nevertheless.I'm sure I sound so completely backwards here. Trust me, I know.

I've already mentioned it in another post, so I won't dive into it too much here.

Walking across the stage to receive my awards and diploma for finishing massage school was my greatest accomplishment thus far in my life.

That year in school nearly killed me, and to finish, not only JUST finish, but get a 4.0 GPA, 100% attendance, and be a member of the High Five Club is what keeps me going when I wonder what the heck I was thinking. Even now I sometimes wonder why I went through so much stress and why I'm doing what I do for a career. Knowing that I accomplished those things, for some reason that I cannot explain, keeps me going. I worked my butt off during that hellish year of my life and it was nice to have something to show for it.

Stay the Course, Trust the Lord

I happened upon this quote on Facebook today. Until now I have mentioned that I believe in God, but I have not mentioned that I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. For those that don't know, President Dieter F. Uctdorf is in the church presidency.

This is very embarrassing to admit, but if I could marry anyone, it would be him. I know, I sound like a complete nut case. I promise I mean this in the most complimentary way. Pres. Uctdorf is an amazing person and I hope someday to marry someone as wonderful as he is. The light that shines from his eyes is beyond description. He also has an amazing German accent. :) I'm not really saying I want to marry him...but if I could switch places with someone in life, I think it would be his wife. To be married to someone like him...that would be heaven on Earth! (Now...back to reality!)

Ok, now that I've declared my insanity, his words in this post were so perfect to read today.

I'm really struggling with things not going according to my timetable. This was a ray of sunshine in my cloudy love life (or lack thereof).

"Decide to be happy, because there are so many seasons in life."