So, without further ado, here are the days I have missed.
13-Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship
The last person I texted was Becky Smaellie.
Becky is one of those people that I know was meant to be in my life. I'm not sure of the actual first meeting. I knew about her long before I really met her. She lived in the same apartment complex as me and we were in the same ward in church. I believe we met at an activity. I'm not positive about that though. We were paired up as visiting teaching companions (if you are not familiar with visiting teachers, it's a pairing up of 2 women that go and visit other women in the ward in the spirit of fellowship and friendship). Our companionship was broken up shortly afterwards, but she ended up as my visiting teacher. The interesting part about this relationship is that her mother and my mother are best friends. My mom is diabetic and Becky's mom is her nutritionist/mentor. I should also mention that Becky's mom was also my aunt's mission companion in Samoa a LONG time ago. The way that Becky's mom and my mom got to meet and then the way Becky and I met is just an amazing story in my mind. We don't see each other very often (especially now that I live in Salt Lake and she's still up in Ogden), but we have a long-standing tradition of getting Italian ice together. Today I was in Ogden and we were able to meet up for a walk. We played in the leaves and it was wonderful! :)
14-Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful
This past Sunday I came home from church feeling extremely down and frustrated. There is a guy I find attractive there that I had had a chance to talk with (in a group setting) and I realized he was not giving off any kind of vibes that he was interested and all of my insecurities came rushing at me like an avalanche. Anyways...I came home and sat at the piano for a little bit and played through some of my favorite Debussy pieces. By the time I was done playing I was so at peace with myself. All of my insecurities and frustrations had melted away. That was the closest thing to bliss I think I've felt in a long time.
15-Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?
I know it would be easier to do this if I chose that someone to be a guy I liked. However, the most closure I need in my life right now is with my father. I have no idea how a conversation with him would go. Well...I take that back, I know EXACTLY how it would go, and maybe that's the reason I haven't had it yet.
This conversation would be between me and my father. I feel like I need to give some insight into my narration before I create it.
My father and I do not have a good relationship. When I was in high school I was very judgmental and when things didn't go the way I thought they should, I rubbed people the wrong way. My dad started drinking coffee (which is against our church standards/beliefs) to relieve his headaches. I did look down on him for this and he knew it. He still thinks I hate him to this day. I have done my best to move on and be a better person, but I don't think he has ever truly forgiven me for that. Whenever we are in the same room it takes a great deal of patience for me not to snap at him or be short with him. Our personalities clash and I've struggled for a long time with this. His conversations tend to be about things I don't care about, so that adds to the clashes. Then, if that isn't enough, he doesn't trust me for some reason. I distinctly remember one time when he asked me a question about a simple opinion on something. He ended up asking my brother the same thing. My brother gave the same response, but it wasn't until my brother responded that my dad did anything about it. It was something simple and not even important (I obviously don't even remember what it was), but my dad did not trust me. If you ask my brother, he will agree that my dad does not trust me. It boggles my mind. I have never done anything to cause him to not trust me. My brother has...so many times. But, my dad does not value me or my opinion as much as my brother('s). Last summer my father had a stroke. I lived close to the hospital, so before and after my night classes I would go visit him in the hospital. Apparently he had no recollection of that. He knew my brother had visited, but not me.
So, needless to say, I have a lot of healing that needs to happen when it comes to my relationship with my father. He has had a second stroke since last summer and his communication abilities have been significantly impaired. From what my mom says, it's not likely that I'll ever be able to have a civil conversation with him.
This narration is going to be the way I know he would respond.
Me: Dad, do you honestly believe and know that I don't hate you?
Dad (already crying): You don't? (I can literally hear his whiny, childish voice)
Me: I don't. There have been many times in my life where I have resented you and the way you've treated me. I still feel a lot of anger and resentment as well as hurt. However, I am trying my hardest to move past that. I have been trying for years, but I feel you have not completely forgiven me for being a stupid, selfish teenager more than 10 years ago. I feel like you have not allowed me to become the adult that I am trying to become. I am not perfect, but I am trying.
I know we don't get along very well. That is merely a personality problem. I do not actually hate you. As I said before, I still feel a lot of resentment and anger, and hurt, but I do not hate you.
Dad (bawling now): I'm so sorry!!!
Me: (frustrated that I am dealing with a child in an adult body): ....
I wish I could've had a normal father, but I ended up with an emotionally and physically handicapped male figure in my life instead. It would be nice to get some closure on this situation. My father is on his way out of this life. He is in a hospital bed being taken care of by hospice workers. We don't know how much more time he has, but it can't be much (maybe a year).
As I wrote this, I realized I am not ready to let go of the hurt and anger I feel still. I want closure on this relationship so badly, but I am not ready to let go yet. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go and move on. The injuries are so deep. Too deep.
16-If you planted a time capsule right now of your life to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?
A copy of a season of Big Bang Theory, Castle, and Grey's Anatomy.
My Train cd collection
A stuffed animal
A Reese's Fast Break candy bar
A letter to myself
Some pictures of me and my friends
One of my shirts
I guess that's about it
17-What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?
My spiritual beliefs are something I'm very unsure of right now. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I hold myself to the standards and beliefs of that church. However, I have struggled with my faith for a few years now. I want to believe that God is real and that he is there. I want to believe that someone loved me enough to die for me and that because of his death I can be made clean from my sins. I want to believe that someday I will see my loved ones again (after we have all passed on). I love the beauty of the temples in my religion. If I ever find 'The One' I want to be married to him in a manner that would keep us together throughout eternity, which means I want to be sealed to him in the temple. I believe that being a daughter of an all-powerful and all-loving father in heaven means I have certain standards to live up to. That being said, I hold the men in my life to the same standards I hold myself to. My religion places an extremely large value on families. Being single, especially at my age, in my religion is very difficult. It adds more pressure to get married. However, my standards that I hold myself to due to my religion have definitely limited my relationship possibilities. I don't date just anyone. I want to date someone with the same standards. I want to date someone with the same goals. I could go on and on about this topic, but I won't.
18-If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?
Don't be so chicken! You are not as fat as you think you are! Care more about the way you treat yourself and the way you look! Be more active! Don't be so scared to be you! And, for the love of anything, practice more and learn to study!
19-What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?
My blog name would probably be the biggest one.
20-Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it
I've never really been in a real relationship, so I haven't ever really had a real breakup. However, my 'relationship' with Danny would be the closest thing. Our 'breakup' would've been when I told him that I couldn't 'do this' with him anymore and that he should move on. It wasn't difficult at the time as I was done with it before it began...whatever 'it' really was. But, the more time that passed after that, the harder it got. From that experience I learned to not be as judgmental and to be more open to not having the perfect life I imagined for myself (because, let's face it, who has actually had the perfect life they dreamed of?). I learned that the most important thing in a relationship is love and respect. I knew that he cared for me (I believe he loved me) and that he would've done anything for me. He was my best friend and I took it for granted. I learned to not take things for granted and to appreciate what I have more.
21-How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?
My mind is drawing a complete blank on this one, and I'm too tired to figure this out right now. If I feel inspired to come back and change this, I will.
22-What fictional character in a movie, tv show, or book do you identify with and why?
I probably identify the most with Phoebe on Friends. She's ridiculously quirky and marches to the beat of her own drum. She's a massage therapist, and well, she's the weird one. Everyone loves her, but it takes time to come to know the true version of her to overcome the quirks and oddities of her personality.
23-Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!)
I get annoyed with any friend of mine that whines about their children, their husbands, or any aspect of being married. I would give anything to be married and to be a mom. When I hear anyone whine and complain any of those things, it makes me so sad and angry.
