3 Days Until 30

My birthday is this coming Wednesday. 

I can't believe I'm living out the last days of my twenties. 

My how the time has flown. 

I had many thoughts to share and now my mind is blank. It's so frustrating when that happens. 

I am very lucky to have friends and family that love me and care so much about me. But yet, I still feel so lonely. 

I decided to try the Tinder dating app again this past week out of pure boredom and curiosity.  

I ended up going on a date with a guy Friday night who I met through that app. 

I have my doubts I'll hear from him again. 

It sucks to think that I'll be rejected once again, but somehow I feel relief at the thought of not having to try for a relationship again. 

I really truly feel that I no longer have any desire to get married now. It's not like I'm getting close to that even being an option anyways. However, even if I was presented with someone who I felt was my best friend and I wanted to spend eternity with them...I'm not sure I would want to marry them. 

It's just not worth it to me anymore. 

I have seen too many bad things in this life thus far. Wow, I sound really radical here. I promise I'm being sincere. So many of my friends and family have struggled so much after having gotten married and started their own family. 

I can barely handle my own life. I don't know who I am yet. (See previous post)

Before I went on that date I had a short thought of..."maybe I might actually get my first kiss before I turn 30." 

Immediately I realized how not ready I was for that to actually happen. Fear flooded my veins. I am not ready to open up myself again. I cannot let myself be so vulnerable again. Mike took something from me. I'm not even sure what it was. He never touched me more than just a hug, but yet, I feel so violated by him. 

I gave up too much of myself to him emotionally and he turned his back on me while secretly taking something of me with him. 

It can't happen again. 

So, I will be 30 years old on Wednesday. 

And I still have never been kissed. 

And it's ok. 

A Rough Draft

Lately I've been pondering who I am and what I stand for. And by lately, I mean I've been pondering this for a long time. 

I've discovered that I easily change who I am and what I stand for based on who I am around. When I'm alone, I tend to not know who I really am. Maybe that's why I struggle with being alone so much nowadays. If I'm not around someone I have no sense of self. 

It is commonly said that we must find out who we are before we can find someone else to spend the rest of our lives with. 

If I don't know who I am, how is someone supposed to love me as there isn't a real me to love just yet. 

Often I feel like a chameleon. 

My colors change as my backdrop changes. 

I wanted to do a freestyle writing on my thoughts and feelings about this and I came up with a little poem of sorts. 

I wanted to share it. 

Maybe someday I'll have more. Maybe not. 

What are my colors?

Am I black and white, knowing what's right?

Am I pale and pink, beautiful but weak?

Or am I red? I've got something to be said. 

Am I blue or green, solid and sure?

Or Am I Orange and fiery? 

Maybe I'm purple,

Made of royalty. 

Am I fuchsia, with no fear of who I am?

Or Am I yellow, Daring to compete with the sun?

Am I a rainbow, a little of everything? Or am I a chameleon that changes from day to day? 

A rock is steady and grey, who am I at the end of the day?

What are my colors?